Last night I sat on my brother's old bed. I was blow drying my hair.

Today I found Saito Meo's blog. Unfortunately, it's only in japanese. Fortunately, there is google translator. Her writing is just as inspiring as her art work. 

http://meoflora.exblog.jp/

Continuing from my last entry, I was going to write about the things I had wrote down during my oil change at Toyota.

The question was, one's purpose and existence. What is the purpose of our lives and why are things important to us? If we were facing annihilation, what do we do? What will be the choices given to us? And out of those choices, what will be the priority choice for our existence? Our survival? What certain things will we try to hang on to? What can we hang on to? What about the things that start to strip away from our existence? If we were to face death everyday of our lives, would we make everyday worth living? Is it this extreme that pushes us to live gratefully?

Everyone gets tired of things eventually. We get tired of being happy. People get tired of war. People get tired of being peaceful. Was war good for us in the end? How long can we live happily? How many wars do we need to purge out our ungratefulness? Is it a never ending cylce of good and evil, sadness and happiness, loss and gain... etc? How boring our lives have become.

What else do we have to do with our lives then to retell and do the same things over and over again. And even though we try to get out of this endless loop of life, things will never change because we actually have no control. It's as if we exist to live and move with the cycle. We did not create the cycle. We never asked to join. We just exist in it and flow with it. If for some reason the cycle had to change, we would have to change with it. Without a choice. We cannot choose anything. We were never born with a choice. We never existed with a choice. We only have clues and hints as to what the cycle is about. That is all. Everything else is none of our business. 

Somethings we do get to choose. Little things. Things not significant to our existence on earth. We get to choose how to live our lives by the rule.

And as we sit around making up things to do with our lives, we realize that we can't do anything about the cycle so we bored ourselves with artificial things. Now a days, very little people often think about the cycle. Perhaps one day we will forget it ever existed. We'll forget about our past. Maybe a small population will remember but most will either forget or not want to know. By then, perhaps the cycle will no longer be significant to our lives. We'll continue to do things for ourselves and maybe for others, continuing to lie to ourselves about goals, achievements, our ego. Why do we even care that we exist? No one else does. The tree's don't, the elephant doesn't, the mouse doesn't, or better yet, why would we care if others cared?

The cycle does not sadden me, neither does it give me any resolution. It doesn't do anything but to give me awareness. Awareness is very important. In order to have any sort of reasoning, you have to be aware. To live life without awareness is empty and directionless. Some poeple think that we live once. We must make the best of our lives. Yes. We live once. But only as an individual. Humans only have 1 chance /turn to be on earth. This is our chance. Not choice but opportunity. What do we make out of this opportunity? 

Sometimes, things move too fast for us. Its so fast that the image, individual image is blurred. We cannot see the image anymore. Only the blurred image. An image in motion. Made up of many images. The individual image is no longer significant on its own anymore. Thus comes the power of duplication. Our lives are revolved around duplication and authenticity.

We enjoy too much of our wants and slave ourselves to our emotions. We have done nothing productive as a mass. We only live for ourselves. We only live as an image and not for the motion picture. Should we pity our existence? Our very small and insignificant lives. We should pity the individuals who fall off the chart. The individuals who do too much for themselves and nothing for others. The selfish ones. 

I feel small. 

I feel like I am part of this. I am part of this.

How do I free myself?

How do we free ourselves from ourselves?

I haven't been writing as much as I thought I would lately. I think it was ever since I had started dating him. I think the other reason is because I've been trying to make too many new blog sites. To start something over and over again instead of working on something that I have already started. It feels good to come back to posterous after a while. I wish I had kept all my blogs here instead of somewhere else. I'm going to try to stick to this for a bit. 

Last weekend I went to change my tires and get an oil change. During the almost 2 hour wait, I wrote some things down in my new sketchbook I bought in Japan. Yes, I went to Japan with him for two weeks. I thought I would definitely write that down in my journal too, but I didn't. A lot of things happened on that trip. Out of all the events, which I should probably jot down now, I remember one the most. This memory till now is very real and my heart still feels like it skipped a beat. 

Anyways I should write it down now. 

When we got to Naoshima Island, which was around the 5th or 6th day into our trip, I started to feel like I was doing a lot of work on the trip. I felt that he wasn't trying hard enough to answer my questions, to find ways around, to figure things out and all of this started when we were almost lost going to Naoshima. Everytime I felt that we weren't able to find a place, I would have this feeling. I felt that he didn't care enough to figure things out for us. I didn't want to do the thinking anymore. I was tired of it. Why should I be doing all the thinking? I want to be taken care of too. In my mind, I really didn't want it to be like this. And at the moment, I knew for sure that I didn't want to end up with a guy who I had to take care of all the time. I thought for so many times, that he was not the one for me and that I couldn't wait for the trip to be over. When we got to Naoshima, the next day, we went for a morning jog. We weren't jogging together. I was jogging alone. He had left me alone as I jogged behind him. No matter how much I tried, I could not catch up to him. I didn't want it to be like this. I felt that he was trying to distance himself from me and this feeling left me feeling very alone and unnecessary. And then I got sick. He tried to take care of me, I was touched, but really I was upset at him. I wasn't sure if he felt that there was something wrong between us. by the time we left and ended up at Matsuyama, I still had this feeling about him. A build up of tension that we were unable to fix. The next morning, I woke up a few times but too early, so I went back to bed. Then I woke up the second time and went to the washroom and went back to bed. Then he woke up shortly and I could hear him standing next to my bed towards my back. He started saying things to me and the first thing he said was, "I feel that we need to distance ourselves...". I thought that that was what he said. I murmured something back, something like, 'what?'. He continued to say that we need to talk about our relationship. I  could hear in his tone that he was sad and that tone saddened me. I secretly cried with my back to him. At that moment, I was sure that even though this hurt a lot that maybe it was best for both of us. Maybe we've realized that we both need different things and that we are completely different people that aren't right for each other. A couple days later we talked about it in Fukuoka and came to no conclusion but the tension had lessened and we were back to normal again. 

After that one morning where he told me that we needed to talk, I felt my heart stop. And till this day, if I thought about that morning, it still saddens me. 

Maybe I'm not worth a dinner? not worth a movie? 

What happened?

We hang out, everything is fine. But when it comes to money, he seems completely fine with 50/50.

Sometimes I feel that if it were to be that way then, why bother being in a relationship? We could just be friends. Makes me sad to think that this may be the end, or eventually tear us apart.

He says that maybe its because of his previous experiences. To me that sounds like an excuse. 

Maybe money is more important to him than I am.

Perhaps he doesn't like me as much as I like him. Or that he doesn't like me as much as I thought.

This makes me sad. I wish that things were a little different. 

Last night, I finally had a dream about him. It was the first dream I've had since we've been together.

It starts off with him and I chatting online and he asked me what I was up to the next day and I told him that I would have to stay late at work. The next day, I ended up dropping by at a library to pick up a book. As I was walking down a aisle, I see his brother. I asked him what he was doing here and he said that there's a meeting for the Japan trip. Apparently a large group is going. As we walk further, we end up standing around some meeting tables in an open area. I'm chatting with his brother when I see him walking towards us. He sort of ignores my presence and puts down his bag. I have no idea what's wrong. I don't know why he's not talking to me. But I pretend that everything is okay and actually walk away to find the book I wanted.

Then this girl shows up and him and his brother greet her. I thought he leans in to give her a hug but instead he ends up kissing her! His brother was in shock and wonders why he did that. His reaction was literally... "What?". I didn't see them kiss, but I could here it and his brother's, "what?". After, she walks to another table to sit down. A lot of things are going through my head.. like lies to myself to make the situation seem like it wasn't what I thought it was. I continued to act oblivious.

The whole group shows up and there are 2 guys that I know from school appear. I start talking to one of them at a table with his brother. His brother is still confused about the whole situation. He even tells me that he doesn't know what that was. I kept asking myself who that girl was. Was she his Japanese friend he was always talking about? Did he really just kiss her? I mean.. I didn't actually see it. He's never even kissed me! I even thought about the fact that he's probably kissed a lot of girls before. I've never kissed anyone before!

So I end up telling his brother that I didn't know they were having a meeting because Mi never mentioned it to me and that I ended up at the library because I wanted to get a book. I was so upset and I tried to hide it. I couldn't understand why he wasn't talking to me this whole time. I felt so uneasy and out of place.